the hardest part of this all is that im being myself, im being honest, im being real, and he still doesnt believe any of it. i honestly dont know what to do at this point. i try and get rejected. i tell him how i feel and im trying to start an argument. everything i do is wrong. and the things he says to me. i dont love him. im a liar. im this im that. i dont think he understands how much that really hurts me especially now when im trying my hardest for him. i havent cried this much since probably november before we started again. im the bad guy but im playing the victim but theres no way for me to win. i just dont know what to do anymore. he keeps telling me to leave if im that unhappy with him and the more he tells me the more i actually consider leaving. and thats the last thing i want to do but every time  he says it he pushes me more and more. and idk how much more i can take when i really am trying my hardest to be with him and have us happy but all my attempts are wrong and we end up fighting and its all my fault. but what else can i do. he doesnt believe me with like anything. it just seems as if my efforts are just a waste of time and i just dont know when enough is enough.

okay so 3 days after aaron told me we cant be friends he did a "random check up". he said he looked at my facebook and was thinking about me so he thought hed ask how i was and stuff. it was nice. then we didnt talk for another 2 days and then he did another random check up. this one didnt end though. we continued talking until the next day. then i asked him to come over to help clean the fish tank. he did. everything was great. we hugged a lot and were laughing and smiling and getting a long just fine. then we went outside and he was telling me about her and how she still has feelings for her ex and how he thinks the only thing holding her back from being with him is that he got a new girlfriend. he said he thinks it was too soon for him and her to start a relationship because they both just came out of one a few months ago but feelings were still there. i think its hilarious though because he still wont leave her. there are so many things wrong with them and he said he doesnt even care anymore. like if she did him dirty he wouldnt care! hed say fuck it and leave. but he wont leave now because nothing "bad" has happened. which is bullshit. why stay with someone you have hardly any feelings for and if nothing is going good for you? their whole relationship is a joke. but he doesnt listen to me when i say it because im just his lying, cheating, ex that is trying to get him back. but whatever. anyways the rest of the night went well. we really did have a fun time. i really enjoy being with him. he makes me happy. more happy than anyone else can make me. but then we were texting and i was telling him my feelings and stuff and he gets so defensive and mean when i say things like what i just did. and he makes it seem like there is no hope for us. which is clearly not the case. i understand that hes afraid because of what ive done... but he needs to just take a chance. i know he wants to be with me. i know he loves me. and i know i would treat him right and do anything for him. i love him so much and i keep trying and putting myself out there for him. and im getting nothing back. and it sucks. i dont know how long i can keep this up before i just get tired of it and give up. i dont want to give up. and honestly i dont think i will for a long time. like even a year or more. but idk what else to do. im telling him the truth. im being good. i dont know how to prove to him that i will be good. he thinks ill go back to keaven when he gets back from bootcamp but i wont. especially if aaron is with me. and i believe keaven will respect my space if i tell him to back off because hes told me before to try and get back with aaron because he can see that aaron is what will make me happy and he told me he wants me to be happy. i know aaron only sees the bad in keaven and thats understandable but i see the little bit of good and i believe he would back off. i just feel so hopeless sometimes because im giving all ive got for this boy and it seems like nothing is working because the damage that was done is so bad. everyone keeps saying give it time and stuff like that but how much time? weve already been apart for about 4 months. today would have been our 18 month anniversary... a year and a half... thats crazy. i said that to him yesterday and he said "i wish". well me too. its crazy how we both want the same thing but we cant have it. and it sucks. theres really no other way to describe how i feel right now. it just sucks. but i wont give up hope. thats for sure.

me and aaron were doing fine as friends. we still had our conversation/arguments about us being together...or not being together. but we were fine. but then he told his girlfriend about what we did the other night aaaand she told him she didnt want him talking to me anymore. we had a long conversation/argument about this but the conclusion was us not talking anymore. but not because she said so. its for him. for us. he told me he needs time away from me to really get over everything that happened between us. i understand that. he said the more he talks to me and the more good things i do the more it brings him back. but hes still too scared to go for it again. at least for now. but he made a promise that he will come back and when he does he will make it up to me. i know he still wants us to be together. he loves me. he even told me that last night. but it still kills me to think of them together. i never had anything against her until the day she took my man from me. i know he wasnt technically mine... but he was mine. and i told her to watch out for her own good. and i meant it. he doesnt love her. he still loves me. and he cant give her everything she wants and needs because of it. they will never be perfect. and they've already had some bad things in their relationship and theyve only been together not even a month. so i wasnt saying it for me. i was letting her know that she wanted someone who was emotionally damaged and still in love. you cant do much with those  kinds of people. part of me is happy that i know hell come back eventually. but part of me is still hurt. i have really been trying so hard recently and he knows it. and even now im still trying. trying to keep my distance so that the time will go by fast and we can hopefully be together. its hard. theres nothing i want more than to be with aaron right now. 

oh boy. me and aaron keep flopping up and down like a fish out of water. right now we're friends.hes still with her. he almost cheated on her with me last night. part of me wanted that. part of me didnt. in the long run im glad we didnt do anything too bad because i feel like that wouldnt do anything good for us. but anyways. im still sad. i have hope for the future though. he told me if they ever split then he would most likely try things out with me one more time. im really looking forward to that future. i know we can be something great. we were so close to perfect before but honestly i think everything we have gone through is just making us stronger people and will help us out for the future. we will be close to perfect again someday. i will stand here and be his friend through his relationship no matter how much it hurts me. crying makes me feel better sometimes. just to let it all out. i feel like i just need to keep my feelings and emotions in for a while. until we are better at being friends. until then i guess ill just vent on here. 

something i will always have over her though: i was his first love. nothing can change that. we lost our virginity together. nothing can change that. we had something special that nobody will ever have. she can be so many things with him. but she will never have with him what i had with him. 

its so hard. i want so badly to talk to someone. but the only person i want to talk to is aaron. and he is the last person i can talk to. i wish i had a job to keep me occupied. not dunkin donuts though. that wouldnt make anything better. i need to be around people that dont know the story. im trying to stay strong. im putting on this fake smile for the whole world so everyone thinks im happy and good. im trying to convince myself that everything is okay. that i can move on. but its so hard. its not working. theres no way i can move now. i dont like feeling like this. feeling hopeless. theres nothing i can do to make this pain go away. to make myself feel better. its here to stay. and he doesnt even care. i bet hes happy. i bet he doesnt even think of me anymore. hes got his friends, his girl, everything. i was talking to chandler the other day and i said "i wish i could go back and just change everything" and he said "yeah but youve said that before and you did it again" but it wasnt completely real to me until now. me and aaron were still with each other all the time. everything was still okay. but not anymore. 

uhh...

obviously a lot has happened since february... but im not here to share all that. im here to vent. for myself. aaron and i were going so well. where did we go wrong? him talking about me? me cheating? me not letting him give me another chance? i was a mess the first couple days i found out he had a new girlfriend. the thought of him with someone else kills me. but then i came to the conclusion that im not the bad guy. i didnt ruin the relationship. it ruined itself. we both contributed negative things. after that i stopped crying. i didnt cry for two whole days. i kept telling myself everything was okay and that i was moving on. i was keeping an optimistic mind for myself. to help myself. but in reality i am nowhere close to moving on. i miss him now more than ever before. and i cant even talk to him. i was trying so hard to hold back the tears but theres no point. theyre streaming down my face at this very moment. i dont care what anyone thinks of me for the things i did. nobody knows the whole story. i just wish i had him back. at this moment i would do anything he wanted for him to be mine again. but i know thats not going to happen. and i dont hate him or his new girlfriend. im not bitter. just sad. its just so hard being with one person for two years and now not having that person. and now being alone. i have my friends and theyre being great but theyre just a distraction. whenever i get a moment to myself im thinking about him. the past two nights ive had dreams about him. ive never had to deal with something like this before. but i know ill be okay. eventually. 

updaaaate!

sooo ive got a new job at dunkin donuts! (: my first day is today! im excited about that and also kinda nervous as anyone would be. im eighteen now and i have my road test on wednesday which is also exciting and nerve recking at the same time. i cant wait though. i wanna save up to get a car and then ill have soo much freedom its crazy!
weeeeelllll i dont really have much else to say on here. aaron and i are doing great. going on 9 months now. pretty awesome (: i love him with all my heart. graduation is in june and im really excited and nervous about that too! hmm... i should just make a list of things that im excited and nervous about at the same time haha. there are soo many things. college in the fall. going on to new things. life is definitely going somewhere now.
soooo i hope you are all have lovely lives just as i am (:

dana

Things I Love Thursday.

• bowling. its so fun.
• taking driving lessons and being told i will definitely pass my road test the first time.
• my 18th birthday being in one week.
• fighting with my boyfriend :-/ i guess that isnt something i love but whatevs.
• only having a couple midterms. nothing too hard.
• spending time with girllock. i missed them.
• quiting taco bell. i was tired of it.
• eric going back to college on sunday. cant wait for him to be out of the house.
• crackle nail polish (: pretty coool.
• pauly G. cause hes a G.

chyeah. so theres my list for this weeek. soo im excited for my birthday and my road test which is in 3 weeks! hopefully ill get my license and then maybe ill save up enough to finally get a car. (: and the fighting with my boyfriend thing is no serious issue. ya know just the normal stupid little tiffs that we get into. we'll be over it by tomorrow. hopefully. have a lovely day (:
-dana

Things I Love Thursday.

• aaron. more than anything in the world. he is my boyfriend, my soul mate, and my best friend. i dont know how id live without him.
• being a senior. its exciting at moments and i cant wait to graduate. im soo ready for college and the rest of my life.
• life in general. its good. im happy with everything and theres not too much to complain about.
• my birthday being in 3 weeks! (: ill be eighteeeeen! legal girl!
• having a smart phone. or half smart as tiffany calls it. its an andriod but its mad slow and ish cause its virgin mobile. but its still pretty nice and i love it.

thats all for now. of course there are many more things i love right now but theres a few. im in school atm and i have bowling after. aaron and i are having a decent day. not good. not bad. but its better than bad i guess. alrightyyy soo i hope you all are having a lovely day. (:

-dana

hey there stranger.

its definitely been a while. ive got a lot to update you on. im not going to do that now though because its almost 11pm and ive got to wake up at 5am for school in the morning. im a senior now btw (: how exciting. so heres just a few things that have happened in the past year.

• i went to europe and it was fantabulous.
• i spent like my entire junior year trying to get aaron back and there was soo much drama and its such a long story but in the end i got him back and we are going on 8 months this coming tuesday (:
• me and friends have gotten into plenty of fights but i dont have a problem with anyone right now. 
• im on the bowling team for my school along with aaron and hakiere. it makes me happy.
• im still working at taco bell. a year and a half now. crazy right?
• eric lives on campus as oswego now but atm hes home for christmas break. (he got kicked out of our house twice though) lmao

yeah so obviously a lot more has happened but idk. sooo ill try to post more frequently in case anyone decides to go stalk my blog. *cough* chandler *cough*
have a lovely night (:
-dana

did ya miss me?

sorry i have been neglecting you but im here now (: im just here to share with you some new year resolutions of mine! so here we go..:

• lose at least 30 pounds. and im actually hoping to do this by the end of july but if that doesnt work then at least by the end of the year. and im gonna stick to it! no more eating taco bell and drinking soda and whatnot. its bad! im also gonna try to do some yoga that i learned in gym class! which brings me to my next thing...
• participate in gym class every time i have it unless im like really not feeling good or have a good excuse. gym is good for you and even fun if you actually do something! also with the teacher i have right now its impossible to pass unless you do participate! whichhhh brings me to my next thingg...
• do my homework on a regular basis! this is one thing that i have like never done and it kills my grades! i could have had an A+ in math this marking period but i got a C because i didnt do any homework. i like As not Cs! so doing homework would be a really good thing for me to do. especially sense im in my junior year and colleges look at these gradess.

nothing really leeds up to my next one but here it isss:

• be happier and friendlier! i know you're probably thinking how the hell is that possible? but i think it is! like i wanna be the type of person that smiles at strangers and gives out random compliments and makes peoples days! i noticed recently that i love making people happy! so i wanna do thatt (:

so those are a few things that i want to do this year! im confident that 2011 will be a great year as was 2010. im ready for the switch whenever you are (:

woah really?

ready for some dramaaa? i havent had any in a while so this is differentt. sooo zoe is turning into the type of person i dont really wanna be around. smoking weed, cheating on her boyfriend etc. soo i was trying to find a way to talk to her about all of this. it didnt really work and my feelings sort of just came out in a sentence that wasnt very nice. heres the story:
aaron was going to come over to my house so we could hang out and she was all "woahh whys aaron going to your house?!" sooo i said "well i can actually hang out with a guy without making out with him unlike you." anddd she got kinda madd. also on the bus one day i said something about her being a bad girlfriend when she wasnt on the bus. sooo yeah we're in a fight right now.
i texted her the other day while we were right next to each other because we werent talking and she said she was mad because i "called her a whore and said she was cheating." and i never called her a whore although i was thinking it and i did say she cheated... buttttt she did! so anywho we had this long argument through texting and stuff and i thought nothing of it. i thought okay i was wrong to say that and i did apologize either we'll get over it or we just wont be friends and that might be okay because of how shes acting. so we just havent talked in the past 2 days. i didnt talk about her unless i was just explaining why we werent talking and id say "i said something not very nice and she got mad so we argued and now we arent talking" i said nothing else to make it seem like shes a bad person or anything. i thought she was doing the same. being mature about it. evidently i was wrong. i looked at her facebook today and found a status of her saying "'yeah so just kill so-and-so, have a party and just be 15. dont care about anything.' - the wise and fabulous amanda <3 ;)" sooo im assuming the "so-and-so" is me. andd this is one quote that amanda said that makes me think less of her as a person. umm hello just because you're 15 means you can do whatever the hell you want and not care about anything? okay you go ahead and do that, and i'll do it my way. we'll see who ends up in a better place. i have a feeling it wont be the one who doesnt care about anything. anywho i also saw one of zoes friends statuses and it said "Hi Zoe ..iKno Yu See This Status Lol'zz .. She Gon Get Her Ass Beat F*qkin Wit My White Girl >: ) No Jokes" sooo that was also about mee. and seeing these girls talk about me just makes me wanna go like slap them all in the face. but they arent worth my time. i know what im doing with my life. i know where i am and where i want to be and how im going to get there. i care about what im doing to myself and how im making people see me. if you dont like me, its not because i did something, its just because you dont like me. i dont give people reasons to not like me. im a friendly person, clean of drugs and alcohol. im always happy and i can laugh at myself. i know when to joke and when to be serious and im an all around good person. i have my flaws but im not a bad person. i make good choices. you guys can keep on not caring and doing whatever you want and smoking and cheating and having sex with multiple people. go ahead. if thats who you are well, good luck. you're gonna need it.

my best friends a zombie.

so todayy me and caty stayed home from school and guess what we did?! we made a movieee! its called "my best friends a zombie" and its cooler than anything you've ever seen. wanna know why? cause its starring me! and caty. and i played the zombie best friend (: haha yeah we're awesome, i know.

fuck my fucking life.

so i found out today that some pathetic fucker came into my house and stole my brothers book bag, which contained his permit, his xbox, which he loved sooo much, and his fucking house key! so now this fucker can come into my fucking house whenever the fuck they feel like it. so now we're out money to change the locks so this fucker cant come into our home, but when are we gonna have time for this? not at all this week >.< im gonna be like paranoid now because they could come in when im home and what if they hurt me? or my mom or brother? like this shits fucking scary. like im pissed about the possessions but our lives are more important. ughhh i dont want to be home alone until we get our locks changedd. tomorrow im going to brittanys house after school. so im good  and thursday and friday i work after school. so i dont have too much alone time to worry about. i hope everything works out :/

-dana

just a thoughtt.

ughh so i went from having one little crush to a bazillion little crushes. im not naming anyone just yet but theres a good 4 guys that i cant stop thinking about. and one of them is being weird and saying im cute and stuff... buttt he has a girlfriendd. so im just like ughhh. whateverrr. guys are confusing as hell. :/

-dana

things i love thursdayy (:

so im in like the best mood ever right noww (: and idk why. i just amm! so heres my list!

• coffee (: 
• having a sleepover and doing homework!
• having unlimited text messages again! (:
• smart guys. theres always that one. last year in my chemistry class there was this one kid, robert, and he was like megaaa smart. and this year in my APUSH class theres this kid, shaden, or something and hes maddd smart.
• being silly with friends. today in lunch me and anna were like being complete retards.
• not being shy. this year im wayy more outgoing than any other year. even with people i dont know. its greatt!

sooo i guess thats alll. (:

-dana

dana has a new celebrity crush.

he isnt all that famous but he was in one tree hill as quinton feilds. in the show he died and i cried. obviously he was no longer on the show. but last night i was watching a new show called hellcats and one of the main characters looked so familiar to me but i couldnt put my finger on it. so i searched it. and it was him! his real name is robbie jones. he is soooooo gorgeous and i wish i knew him. heres a picture of him:

isnt he beautiful? so i sorta love him. and i sorta just realized that i want a black guy. like when i have a boyfriend or get married or anything i want a black guy. not to be racist or anything but i just like them. but they need to fit some qualifications. they cant be ghetto. i want them to speak proper english and dress nicely. and their personality has to be good. idk what it is about them but i am sooo attracted to black guys. especially robbie jones (:

-dana

p.s. i know that i already liked black guys and everything but i always said that i really wanted a white guy. a white guy would be nice and all... but my first choice would be black.

things i love thursdayy (:

• the feeling of fall. im done with the hot weather. i like coolness and leaves on the ground and all that good stuff. makes me happy (:
• hugging a tall person. specifically, layne. i've hugged him before but it was always around the waist. today i hugged him around his neck and it was difficult because hes soo damn tall! hahah.
• being less shy and way more confident than ever! i talk a lot more this year than normal and i dont mean like normal talking i mean like in front of people. its awesomee.
• having moneyy. it makes me happy knowing i can spend money and ill still have some left. and even if i spend it all, ill get more in a week.
• nina and music. they are like half of my life. i love them (:

soo im pretty happy soo far this week. its been a good week. im actually not looking forward to the weekend... shocker! i enjoy school. i like most of my classes this year. the only thing that bugs me is i still dont have a 9th period class. >.< so i have to sit in the gym for 45 minutes doing nothing. but other than life life is good in the life of dana. so thats all for now (:

-dana

itSz Crazi

i would agree with this statement... if i could read it:
"LmfaOo Yuhh BtChsz think SinCee Yall qhOt AShirt Orr HOody FrOm hOllister Yall FLY..Sn itSz Crazi hOw APiece Of ClOthesss Cann Chanqee Yuhhh"
-_- i hate when people type like this. but i agree with this anyways. and i know i shop at american eagle and stuff but i dont do that to be cool. i just like some of the things they have there.
so thats all (:

-dana

btw that was a girls status on facebook.