okay so 3 days after aaron told me we cant be friends he did a "random check up". he said he looked at my facebook and was thinking about me so he thought hed ask how i was and stuff. it was nice. then we didnt talk for another 2 days and then he did another random check up. this one didnt end though. we continued talking until the next day. then i asked him to come over to help clean the fish tank. he did. everything was great. we hugged a lot and were laughing and smiling and getting a long just fine. then we went outside and he was telling me about her and how she still has feelings for her ex and how he thinks the only thing holding her back from being with him is that he got a new girlfriend. he said he thinks it was too soon for him and her to start a relationship because they both just came out of one a few months ago but feelings were still there. i think its hilarious though because he still wont leave her. there are so many things wrong with them and he said he doesnt even care anymore. like if she did him dirty he wouldnt care! hed say fuck it and leave. but he wont leave now because nothing "bad" has happened. which is bullshit. why stay with someone you have hardly any feelings for and if nothing is going good for you? their whole relationship is a joke. but he doesnt listen to me when i say it because im just his lying, cheating, ex that is trying to get him back. but whatever. anyways the rest of the night went well. we really did have a fun time. i really enjoy being with him. he makes me happy. more happy than anyone else can make me. but then we were texting and i was telling him my feelings and stuff and he gets so defensive and mean when i say things like what i just did. and he makes it seem like there is no hope for us. which is clearly not the case. i understand that hes afraid because of what ive done... but he needs to just take a chance. i know he wants to be with me. i know he loves me. and i know i would treat him right and do anything for him. i love him so much and i keep trying and putting myself out there for him. and im getting nothing back. and it sucks. i dont know how long i can keep this up before i just get tired of it and give up. i dont want to give up. and honestly i dont think i will for a long time. like even a year or more. but idk what else to do. im telling him the truth. im being good. i dont know how to prove to him that i will be good. he thinks ill go back to keaven when he gets back from bootcamp but i wont. especially if aaron is with me. and i believe keaven will respect my space if i tell him to back off because hes told me before to try and get back with aaron because he can see that aaron is what will make me happy and he told me he wants me to be happy. i know aaron only sees the bad in keaven and thats understandable but i see the little bit of good and i believe he would back off. i just feel so hopeless sometimes because im giving all ive got for this boy and it seems like nothing is working because the damage that was done is so bad. everyone keeps saying give it time and stuff like that but how much time? weve already been apart for about 4 months. today would have been our 18 month anniversary... a year and a half... thats crazy. i said that to him yesterday and he said "i wish". well me too. its crazy how we both want the same thing but we cant have it. and it sucks. theres really no other way to describe how i feel right now. it just sucks. but i wont give up hope. thats for sure.

me and aaron were doing fine as friends. we still had our conversation/arguments about us being together...or not being together. but we were fine. but then he told his girlfriend about what we did the other night aaaand she told him she didnt want him talking to me anymore. we had a long conversation/argument about this but the conclusion was us not talking anymore. but not because she said so. its for him. for us. he told me he needs time away from me to really get over everything that happened between us. i understand that. he said the more he talks to me and the more good things i do the more it brings him back. but hes still too scared to go for it again. at least for now. but he made a promise that he will come back and when he does he will make it up to me. i know he still wants us to be together. he loves me. he even told me that last night. but it still kills me to think of them together. i never had anything against her until the day she took my man from me. i know he wasnt technically mine... but he was mine. and i told her to watch out for her own good. and i meant it. he doesnt love her. he still loves me. and he cant give her everything she wants and needs because of it. they will never be perfect. and they've already had some bad things in their relationship and theyve only been together not even a month. so i wasnt saying it for me. i was letting her know that she wanted someone who was emotionally damaged and still in love. you cant do much with those  kinds of people. part of me is happy that i know hell come back eventually. but part of me is still hurt. i have really been trying so hard recently and he knows it. and even now im still trying. trying to keep my distance so that the time will go by fast and we can hopefully be together. its hard. theres nothing i want more than to be with aaron right now.