oh boy. me and aaron keep flopping up and down like a fish out of water. right now we're friends.hes still with her. he almost cheated on her with me last night. part of me wanted that. part of me didnt. in the long run im glad we didnt do anything too bad because i feel like that wouldnt do anything good for us. but anyways. im still sad. i have hope for the future though. he told me if they ever split then he would most likely try things out with me one more time. im really looking forward to that future. i know we can be something great. we were so close to perfect before but honestly i think everything we have gone through is just making us stronger people and will help us out for the future. we will be close to perfect again someday. i will stand here and be his friend through his relationship no matter how much it hurts me. crying makes me feel better sometimes. just to let it all out. i feel like i just need to keep my feelings and emotions in for a while. until we are better at being friends. until then i guess ill just vent on here. 

something i will always have over her though: i was his first love. nothing can change that. we lost our virginity together. nothing can change that. we had something special that nobody will ever have. she can be so many things with him. but she will never have with him what i had with him. 

its so hard. i want so badly to talk to someone. but the only person i want to talk to is aaron. and he is the last person i can talk to. i wish i had a job to keep me occupied. not dunkin donuts though. that wouldnt make anything better. i need to be around people that dont know the story. im trying to stay strong. im putting on this fake smile for the whole world so everyone thinks im happy and good. im trying to convince myself that everything is okay. that i can move on. but its so hard. its not working. theres no way i can move now. i dont like feeling like this. feeling hopeless. theres nothing i can do to make this pain go away. to make myself feel better. its here to stay. and he doesnt even care. i bet hes happy. i bet he doesnt even think of me anymore. hes got his friends, his girl, everything. i was talking to chandler the other day and i said "i wish i could go back and just change everything" and he said "yeah but youve said that before and you did it again" but it wasnt completely real to me until now. me and aaron were still with each other all the time. everything was still okay. but not anymore. 

uhh...

obviously a lot has happened since february... but im not here to share all that. im here to vent. for myself. aaron and i were going so well. where did we go wrong? him talking about me? me cheating? me not letting him give me another chance? i was a mess the first couple days i found out he had a new girlfriend. the thought of him with someone else kills me. but then i came to the conclusion that im not the bad guy. i didnt ruin the relationship. it ruined itself. we both contributed negative things. after that i stopped crying. i didnt cry for two whole days. i kept telling myself everything was okay and that i was moving on. i was keeping an optimistic mind for myself. to help myself. but in reality i am nowhere close to moving on. i miss him now more than ever before. and i cant even talk to him. i was trying so hard to hold back the tears but theres no point. theyre streaming down my face at this very moment. i dont care what anyone thinks of me for the things i did. nobody knows the whole story. i just wish i had him back. at this moment i would do anything he wanted for him to be mine again. but i know thats not going to happen. and i dont hate him or his new girlfriend. im not bitter. just sad. its just so hard being with one person for two years and now not having that person. and now being alone. i have my friends and theyre being great but theyre just a distraction. whenever i get a moment to myself im thinking about him. the past two nights ive had dreams about him. ive never had to deal with something like this before. but i know ill be okay. eventually.