the hardest part of this all is that im being myself, im being honest, im being real, and he still doesnt believe any of it. i honestly dont know what to do at this point. i try and get rejected. i tell him how i feel and im trying to start an argument. everything i do is wrong. and the things he says to me. i dont love him. im a liar. im this im that. i dont think he understands how much that really hurts me especially now when im trying my hardest for him. i havent cried this much since probably november before we started again. im the bad guy but im playing the victim but theres no way for me to win. i just dont know what to do anymore. he keeps telling me to leave if im that unhappy with him and the more he tells me the more i actually consider leaving. and thats the last thing i want to do but every time  he says it he pushes me more and more. and idk how much more i can take when i really am trying my hardest to be with him and have us happy but all my attempts are wrong and we end up fighting and its all my fault. but what else can i do. he doesnt believe me with like anything. it just seems as if my efforts are just a waste of time and i just dont know when enough is enough.

okay so 3 days after aaron told me we cant be friends he did a "random check up". he said he looked at my facebook and was thinking about me so he thought hed ask how i was and stuff. it was nice. then we didnt talk for another 2 days and then he did another random check up. this one didnt end though. we continued talking until the next day. then i asked him to come over to help clean the fish tank. he did. everything was great. we hugged a lot and were laughing and smiling and getting a long just fine. then we went outside and he was telling me about her and how she still has feelings for her ex and how he thinks the only thing holding her back from being with him is that he got a new girlfriend. he said he thinks it was too soon for him and her to start a relationship because they both just came out of one a few months ago but feelings were still there. i think its hilarious though because he still wont leave her. there are so many things wrong with them and he said he doesnt even care anymore. like if she did him dirty he wouldnt care! hed say fuck it and leave. but he wont leave now because nothing "bad" has happened. which is bullshit. why stay with someone you have hardly any feelings for and if nothing is going good for you? their whole relationship is a joke. but he doesnt listen to me when i say it because im just his lying, cheating, ex that is trying to get him back. but whatever. anyways the rest of the night went well. we really did have a fun time. i really enjoy being with him. he makes me happy. more happy than anyone else can make me. but then we were texting and i was telling him my feelings and stuff and he gets so defensive and mean when i say things like what i just did. and he makes it seem like there is no hope for us. which is clearly not the case. i understand that hes afraid because of what ive done... but he needs to just take a chance. i know he wants to be with me. i know he loves me. and i know i would treat him right and do anything for him. i love him so much and i keep trying and putting myself out there for him. and im getting nothing back. and it sucks. i dont know how long i can keep this up before i just get tired of it and give up. i dont want to give up. and honestly i dont think i will for a long time. like even a year or more. but idk what else to do. im telling him the truth. im being good. i dont know how to prove to him that i will be good. he thinks ill go back to keaven when he gets back from bootcamp but i wont. especially if aaron is with me. and i believe keaven will respect my space if i tell him to back off because hes told me before to try and get back with aaron because he can see that aaron is what will make me happy and he told me he wants me to be happy. i know aaron only sees the bad in keaven and thats understandable but i see the little bit of good and i believe he would back off. i just feel so hopeless sometimes because im giving all ive got for this boy and it seems like nothing is working because the damage that was done is so bad. everyone keeps saying give it time and stuff like that but how much time? weve already been apart for about 4 months. today would have been our 18 month anniversary... a year and a half... thats crazy. i said that to him yesterday and he said "i wish". well me too. its crazy how we both want the same thing but we cant have it. and it sucks. theres really no other way to describe how i feel right now. it just sucks. but i wont give up hope. thats for sure.

me and aaron were doing fine as friends. we still had our conversation/arguments about us being together...or not being together. but we were fine. but then he told his girlfriend about what we did the other night aaaand she told him she didnt want him talking to me anymore. we had a long conversation/argument about this but the conclusion was us not talking anymore. but not because she said so. its for him. for us. he told me he needs time away from me to really get over everything that happened between us. i understand that. he said the more he talks to me and the more good things i do the more it brings him back. but hes still too scared to go for it again. at least for now. but he made a promise that he will come back and when he does he will make it up to me. i know he still wants us to be together. he loves me. he even told me that last night. but it still kills me to think of them together. i never had anything against her until the day she took my man from me. i know he wasnt technically mine... but he was mine. and i told her to watch out for her own good. and i meant it. he doesnt love her. he still loves me. and he cant give her everything she wants and needs because of it. they will never be perfect. and they've already had some bad things in their relationship and theyve only been together not even a month. so i wasnt saying it for me. i was letting her know that she wanted someone who was emotionally damaged and still in love. you cant do much with those  kinds of people. part of me is happy that i know hell come back eventually. but part of me is still hurt. i have really been trying so hard recently and he knows it. and even now im still trying. trying to keep my distance so that the time will go by fast and we can hopefully be together. its hard. theres nothing i want more than to be with aaron right now. 

oh boy. me and aaron keep flopping up and down like a fish out of water. right now we're friends.hes still with her. he almost cheated on her with me last night. part of me wanted that. part of me didnt. in the long run im glad we didnt do anything too bad because i feel like that wouldnt do anything good for us. but anyways. im still sad. i have hope for the future though. he told me if they ever split then he would most likely try things out with me one more time. im really looking forward to that future. i know we can be something great. we were so close to perfect before but honestly i think everything we have gone through is just making us stronger people and will help us out for the future. we will be close to perfect again someday. i will stand here and be his friend through his relationship no matter how much it hurts me. crying makes me feel better sometimes. just to let it all out. i feel like i just need to keep my feelings and emotions in for a while. until we are better at being friends. until then i guess ill just vent on here. 

something i will always have over her though: i was his first love. nothing can change that. we lost our virginity together. nothing can change that. we had something special that nobody will ever have. she can be so many things with him. but she will never have with him what i had with him. 

its so hard. i want so badly to talk to someone. but the only person i want to talk to is aaron. and he is the last person i can talk to. i wish i had a job to keep me occupied. not dunkin donuts though. that wouldnt make anything better. i need to be around people that dont know the story. im trying to stay strong. im putting on this fake smile for the whole world so everyone thinks im happy and good. im trying to convince myself that everything is okay. that i can move on. but its so hard. its not working. theres no way i can move now. i dont like feeling like this. feeling hopeless. theres nothing i can do to make this pain go away. to make myself feel better. its here to stay. and he doesnt even care. i bet hes happy. i bet he doesnt even think of me anymore. hes got his friends, his girl, everything. i was talking to chandler the other day and i said "i wish i could go back and just change everything" and he said "yeah but youve said that before and you did it again" but it wasnt completely real to me until now. me and aaron were still with each other all the time. everything was still okay. but not anymore. 

uhh...

obviously a lot has happened since february... but im not here to share all that. im here to vent. for myself. aaron and i were going so well. where did we go wrong? him talking about me? me cheating? me not letting him give me another chance? i was a mess the first couple days i found out he had a new girlfriend. the thought of him with someone else kills me. but then i came to the conclusion that im not the bad guy. i didnt ruin the relationship. it ruined itself. we both contributed negative things. after that i stopped crying. i didnt cry for two whole days. i kept telling myself everything was okay and that i was moving on. i was keeping an optimistic mind for myself. to help myself. but in reality i am nowhere close to moving on. i miss him now more than ever before. and i cant even talk to him. i was trying so hard to hold back the tears but theres no point. theyre streaming down my face at this very moment. i dont care what anyone thinks of me for the things i did. nobody knows the whole story. i just wish i had him back. at this moment i would do anything he wanted for him to be mine again. but i know thats not going to happen. and i dont hate him or his new girlfriend. im not bitter. just sad. its just so hard being with one person for two years and now not having that person. and now being alone. i have my friends and theyre being great but theyre just a distraction. whenever i get a moment to myself im thinking about him. the past two nights ive had dreams about him. ive never had to deal with something like this before. but i know ill be okay. eventually. 

updaaaate!

sooo ive got a new job at dunkin donuts! (: my first day is today! im excited about that and also kinda nervous as anyone would be. im eighteen now and i have my road test on wednesday which is also exciting and nerve recking at the same time. i cant wait though. i wanna save up to get a car and then ill have soo much freedom its crazy!
weeeeelllll i dont really have much else to say on here. aaron and i are doing great. going on 9 months now. pretty awesome (: i love him with all my heart. graduation is in june and im really excited and nervous about that too! hmm... i should just make a list of things that im excited and nervous about at the same time haha. there are soo many things. college in the fall. going on to new things. life is definitely going somewhere now.
soooo i hope you are all have lovely lives just as i am (:

dana